"I initiated a running program for myself today. I walked down to Higgenb-- Park, ran around it once (sprinting at the end) and walked back. I plan to do it every night at about 8:00 or 8:30. Walking at night in running clothes seems strange with all the cars whizzing by, kids outside running around yelling, and dogs barking. Everyone usually seems so alienated and they usually are, tucked away safe inside their houses, their warm snug coves. The second they emerge from their caves, I prepare myself for a confrontation. Even if nothing is said a confrontation takes place. They see you walking by, think how unusual it is and you know they think it is strange. They just don't see a person walking by their house by himself at 8:00 pm. I am sorry to say that I don't know any of our neighbors, any where on our street. I guess there is no need to be friendly with your neighbors any more.
"Just now called G-- long distance. It's 11:40 pm. Amazing how even talking to him can put me in a good mood. Unfortunately, the mood doesn't last that long. Got to go to work now."
MANHOOD REDO: I wrote about the alienated people tucked away in their houses (okay, caves), but upon rereading it seems blatantly obvious that the entry is about me; I was the alienated one. And it especially becomes apparent when you read the end paragraph and how uplifting it was to call my best friend in San Antonio. This had to be a lonely period of my life. I had dropped out of college, my two best friends lived eight hours away by car, I lived at home, and about the only people I saw outside of family were co-workers from the Avalanche Journal newspaper.
Fortunately, my alienation wasn't extreme. I was connected to family and co-workers. It seems to me that in some cases where men act violently they are cut off, disassociated from others in one way or another, and lash out. Consider Robert Hawkins. I wouldn't necessarily claim that traditional masculinity completely explains why he went into the Omaha mall with an AK-47 assault rifle, but I don't see how we can ignore it as a component. He had dropped out of high school, lost his job at a fast-food restaurant, his girlfriend had broken up with him, and he had a troubled family life. The New York Times described the emerging picture of him as familiar - "a young man facing depression, alienation, abandonment, rejection."
Not only is manhood strongly associated with weaponry, it also sanctions an angry response when we feel wronged and disapproves of asking for help and seeking support. That is a combustible combination.
Writing about this journal excerpt makes me miss G--. I wish I knew where he is, so I could call him long distance.
1 comment:
Your post reminds of the experience of reading Camus' The Stranger in high school. I totally identified with the protagonist, an anti-social, emotionally empty individual.
I mentioned this to a friend of mine at the time who was very popular and well-liked. He told me that he also identified strongly with the protagonist.
I wonder if most young men don't really begin to form serious emotional attachments to other people until later in life, say in their 20's.
Which reinforces what you wrote.
Adding firearms and a cult of macho silence to alienated young men is creating a ticking time bomb.
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