JOURNEY EXCERPT: April 16, Sun. 1978 9:17 PM

"W--, a high school boy who works with us on the dock only on Sundays, still hasn't paid me the ten dollars he owes me. I should have known better than to lend out money. W-- is infatuated with fast cars and speed in general. W-- is a junior in high school and is getting married this summer. W-- is somewhat useless (lazy) on the dock. W-- drinks Baby Bull Liquor. W-- doesn't have a car, and his parents won't let him use theirs; so he rides his bicycle to work, and I usually give him a ride home. Someone else gave him a ride home last night. W-- is getting fat. W-- has ears that stick out. W-- plays football and track. W-- has a very smart-ass mouth. W-- is an asshole much of the time. (Characterization of W--.)"

MANHOOD REDO: Clearly I didn't have much use for W--, so even years ago during young adulthood when I lacked a conceptual understanding of traditional masculinity I still rejected aspects of it. At 52, I've created my personal life so that it's free of traditionally masculine men; I don't know any guys who drive small, fast, sporty cars, or guys that I would consider to be assholes. I don't hang out with guys like those someone wrote about in a letter to the Washington Post, drunk and foul-mouthed at a Redskins game, indifferent to the presence of children in seats nearby.

It's important to me not to have to deal with traditional masculinity in my personal life because I have to deal with it every workday at Men Can Stop Rape (MCSR). That's not to say I think the majority of guys are assholes. We only rarely receive the email from a man making foul and abusive comments about us. There's only been one or two death threats. Most men are strongly supportive. What's harder to deal with at work is the every day reality of a mainstream culture that's so heavily laden with the expectations and pressures of traditional masculinity it feels like there's not room for anything else.

If I've learned anything during the past ten years with MCSR, though, it's that there's always some humane, vulnerable, caring part of all men, no matter how traditionally masculine they might seem. They might not feel safe sharing it, or they might ridicule it in themselves and project it onto others, or it might have existed so long ago in childhood that they've lost touch with it. But if you acknowledge and support it in positive ways, its presence strengthens.

And I've also learned that I'm not completely removed from or free of traditional manhood, so I can't stand apart and pretend I'm altogether different. We've all been socialized by traditional masculinity; we all embody it in various ways and to different degrees.

So, if I had it to do over again with W--, I'd try and assume that I'm not entirely unlike him. I like beer. I used to like football, still like basketball. I've been a smart ass and might be unintentionally so again. And I'd try to find out more about him, ask questions, share my own struggles and conflicts, try to learn how much more of him there is than fast cars and Baby Bull Liquor.